Where is the hickey?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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