So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
