Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
