Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
