So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
its liver damage thursday
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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