I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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