I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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