My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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