whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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