Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
