You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
