she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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