I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
