I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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