I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
