I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize