He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
