This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i will never coherently bang her
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
