I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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