fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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