I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
