I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
