am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
