miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Rumble strips road head = magical
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
