she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
