I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
