Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
