I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
