I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
