I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize