If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize