i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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