I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
