Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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