He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
