Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
