did you get engaged???
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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