He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
