The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
