So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
