I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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