Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
