I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
