And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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