A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
