does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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