My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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