we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
