hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
