This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
