And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
