My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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