he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
