he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
