Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
