he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
did i walk over a car last night?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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