Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
