Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
